I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
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The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.