if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.