temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
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Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.