My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
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If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
black phone good
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.