oh sorry i cant im busy that day
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My circle of trust is a meatball
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!