Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?