Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
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When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*