“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
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skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
A huge thanks to the person that did this
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?