TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
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“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Meowchelangelo
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
NASA: we鈥檙e sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
No One:
No One鈥檚 Date: Are you always this quiet?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there鈥檚 a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn鈥檛 try hard enough
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
It鈥檚 pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello