me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
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[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
#oldknees
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Haha! 😂
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.