Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
You Might Also Like
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.