If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.