Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
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Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.