Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
cyclists
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.