me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
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My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m sure it’s fine.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.