Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
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[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.