After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.