Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals