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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order