People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
You Might Also Like
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.