911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
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“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
wish me luck lads
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Happens to everyone.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Education is vital
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Oops
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it