Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
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I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
I hope google does well on my son’s test
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever