I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Holy moly
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.