[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited