crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
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Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’