-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
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Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
me: my friends:
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries