I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I missed you with all my darts
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.