Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Husband of the year 😂
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Ghost costume 😂
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.