*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
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My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Huge, if true.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.