[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
reduce, reuse, recycle
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link