Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
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During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.