I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
This checks out
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.