One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
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My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I’ve had worse
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.