My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time