I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
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Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.