I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.