CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.