Fixed this for Shakespeare
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I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now