I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”