One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
love it when they get my name right
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Damn he played himself
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there