One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs