In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy