Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.