Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
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Hard not to take this personally
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
🤣😈🤣
Happy Taco Tuesday
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.