I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
pizza
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
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HEYYYY MACARENA