Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth