Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
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They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING