Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
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Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Yes, this is exactly right
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.