My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
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When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
At least my masseuse has my back.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it