Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!